Great News From San Marino!

According to esctoday.com, Valentina Monetta will be representing San Marino again in 2014!

There will always be a place in my heart for Valentina because of her first entry, 2012's "The Social Network Song (Oh-Oh-Uh-Oh-Oh)," which was a hot mess. And when she returned to Eurovision this year, she took a very different approach. She did well (finishing 11th out of 17 in the semi-finals), but not quite enough to qualify for the finals.

Will 2014 be Valentina's year? And the first year for San Marino to make it to the finals? I think the Sammarinese are onto something. We wish you the best of luck, Valentina!

Eurovision Royalty: Lys Assia

Born in Switzerland in 1924, Lys Assia was the winner of the first-ever Eurovision Song Contest, held in 1956. She began her career as a dancer, but eventually transitioned to singing.

She returned to Eurovision in 1957 and 1958 to compete again for Switzerland, and she remains an important figure in the contest to this day. Every few years, she'll come out with a new song and attempt to re-represent her homeland.

Most recently, she teamed up with hip-hop group, New Jack, and recorded "All In Your Head." Switzerland decided to pass on this entry, unfortunately. Many were hoping that this mess would make it to the finals. But she's 89 years old, so good for her anyway.

A Celebration of Sluts

Sluts are a proud tradition at Eurovision. Girls with high heels, tiny dresses, and big hair are a staple of the performances. Guys stand in front of wind machines until their shirts are literally ripped open, exposing toned, shiny abs underneath.

I love sluts. Sluts rock. The following are some of my favorite Eurovision sluts.

A Brief History

Here is how I explain Eurovision:

It's like American Idol, except every European country is allowed to send one song. And they participate in a week-long contest that happens once a year. There's no judging segment, and every country gets to call in a vote for a song. And you can't vote for your own country. And the votes are tallied live. And you know ABBA, right? They won in the '70s.

But what I don't often mention is that Eurovision has been around for almost 60 years. It was started in 1956, as a way of reuniting war-torn Europe after WWII. The European Broadcasting Union (EBU) still runs Eurovision, and any country who is a member of the EBU can participate. This is why nations like Israel and Azerbaijan, which are not technically in the continent of Europe, can compete. 

Since Eurovision was created to bring peace, songs that are controversial or political are usually not accepted. That is why a lot of Eurovision songs are pop ballads about love, having fun, and being silly with your friends. It's traditionally light fare. In 2007, an Israeli band called Teapacks was almost disqualified because some thought their song, "Push The Button," was about nuclear war. 

Every year, more people around the world watch Eurovision than The Superbowl or the Academy Awards. Which is why it's so crazy that most Americans have never heard of the contest.

I first learned about Eurovision in college, when a friend who studied abroad in London came home with his own obsession. He said to me, "You need to see this," sat me down in front a TV, and popped in a DVD copy of the 2006 contest (which was held in Athens, Greece; a Finnish monster rock band called Lordi won that year). And that was it for me, I was addicted.

The reason I love Eurovision is because it's full of DRAMA and SPECTACLE. Some entries are genuine, soulful ballads, and some are just fluffy pop music. And sometimes, Scandinavian men wear head-to-toe monster costumes and play a song about being saviors of rock 'n' roll. To me, Eurovision is just the most fun thing in the world.

Who Wore It Better?

At the Eurovision Song Contest in Malmo a few weeks ago, I couldn't help noticing that two countries had very similar aesthetics onstage. Aliona Moon from Moldova and Cezar Ouatu from Romania.

They both wore skirts that raised up during the climax of their song! EL SCANDALO!

It is even more interesting considering the complicated, strained relationship between Moldova and Romania. Most of Moldova was part of Romania until the 1990s, and many on both sides still push for unification. 

I refuse to believe this is just a coincidence. Either Romania and Moldova planned this, or some top secret Eurovision wardrobe information was leaked from one of the countries. What does it all mean?

And, more importantly, who wore it better?

Bonus points for Aliona because her dress changes color. And, lightning bolts.

Bonus points for Cezar because he looks like a dramatic gay vampire.

The Question on Everyone's Minds

Who is going to win Eurovision 2013?

The contest ends today. I don't pay attention to betting odds (yes, there are betting odds for Eurovision) mostly because I don't understand how they work (and I'm too lazy to Google it). So my picks for the winner are based completely on my own knowledge of what the average Eurovision audience member is looking for.

1. SPECTACLE! Is it exciting to watch? Is the song dynamic? Does it have a key change about 3/4 of the way through? Is the performer compelling in some way? Where is the DRAMA?
2. Is the song universal? Can everyone in Europe relate to it? Are the lyrics in English? Because that usually helps.
3. Does the song celebrate the country's individual culture and heritage? But not like, in an annoying way. Don't be ostentatious. Universal. Greece, I'm looking at you. Refer to point #2.
4. Every few years, it seems that a certain region of Europe holds popularity. It was very fashionable to vote for Eastern Europe around ten years ago. Then the Scandinavians broke that streak, and Finland, Norway, and Sweden have all won in the past six years. Are Europeans still interested in what Scandinavia has to offer? Or will voting patterns shift? The one tried and true rule is that no one ever votes for the UK. Sorry, Bonnie Tyler. I think you're great.

So, with that being said, here is who I think will win.

Look At How Far She's Come

This is Valentina Monetta. She is currently representing San Marino in the Eurovision Song Contest, being held right now, in Malmo, Sweden.

Valentina has been trying to represent her country at Eurovision since 2008. She finally got her chance last year, with "The Social Network Song (Oh-Oh-Uh-Oh-Oh)." Which was an amazing disaster of a song, full of poorly translated English lyrics, too-tight ponytails, and very thinly-veiled advertisements for Facebook.

But despite all that, it finished 14th in the semi-finals, making it San Marino's best ever placing in Eurovision. Though it didn't qualify for the finals, Valentina made history for her country.

So the Sammarinese (that's the people of San Marino, look it up) got smart and brought Valentina back for another try at Eurovision. This year's entry is rather different from "The Social Network Song."

Who knew the Facebook girl from last year could actually sing? Now, I have no idea what "Crisalide (Vola)" is actually about. It could also be a song about Facebook. But don't you get the feeling that Valentina only signed on to do the Facebook song because they promised her a chance to do something actually good in the future?

Unfortunately, Valentina is not going to the finals this year either. She failed to qualify. I'm a little heartbroken over this. Our little flower bloomed into a beautiful young woman, only to be shot down again. Scores haven't been released yet for yesterday's semi-finals, so I don't know how close she was to qualifying. But I hope she'll be back next year with a song about Twitter called "Tweet Me (Beep-Beep-Oh-Oh)."